Lessons

I always tell people "Don't regret any relationship; think of them as lessons." As with most advice I hand out, it's hard to actually take it myself. For the most part though, I think I've been able to recognize the issues (mine or his) from past relationships. There is one relationship in particular though--an especially bad one--that makes me cringe everytime I think about it. It's been years since we've been broken up, and I don't ever see the guy, but I can't help feeling ridiculous when I think about how long I stuck around. That's the main reason for this post. I'm trying to overcome that feeling, and remind myself that it was an experience...one worth remembering, if for nothing else than to avoid a similar situation in the future.

Everyone has dealbreakers. However, we often forget that we weren't born with these dealbreakers ingrained in us. Sure, some of them are carried over from childhood, like the desire to marry someone with a shared love of Pogs (I'm looking forward to gaining ownership to half of my future husband's slammer collection), but most of these dealbreakers come about from failed relationships. Immediately following a breakup, most people go through that stage where they only think about the good things that they are now missing out on. This is why there is a terrible recidivism rate in bad relationships. Of course you are going to feel like you made a mistake--a breakup is a highly emotional time and you're just adjusting to being alone! It's important to recognize that there was probably a very valid reason for the breakup, so you should at least give it a chance to really stick. Some of the best advice my mom ever gave me was to "give it two weeks." Of course, for some people, it takes less time or more time, but for the most part I've found that two weeks is the perfect amount of time for someone to really feel good about their decision. You're far enough away from the breakup that emotions aren't clouding your judgment (at least not as much) but you're not so far away that you can't remember the reasons for the split. Also, two weeks is enough time to fall into a new routine, one that doesn't involve that other person. Here's a little secret about what I do at the two week mark (so far just in my last two relationships): write out some pros and cons. This might sound callous, as if I'm treating the relationship more like a business venture than a love connection. Maybe it is callous, but it works for me. It shows me what I learned from the relationship, what I really loved about it, what I really hated about it, what I absolutely cannot put up with in the next one. After making these lists, I actually come out with a more positive and realistic view of the relationship. This is probably because I am able to see it for what it was...I don't put it on a pedestal and forget the bad things, but I also don't let myself forget that there were reasons I was with that person at all. These things, bad or good, become dealbreakers.

So, without further delay, here are some of mine:

• I cannot be with an alcoholic.
• I must be with someone who loves food and cooking.
• I cannot be with someone who is constantly down on themselves.
• I must be with someone who is ambitious.
• I cannot be with someone I am not sexually compatible with (seems obvious, but this one took me awhile...I'll save that for another entry). 
• I must be with someone who is romantic (doesn't need to be grand-gesture-romantic...just remembering-the-little-things-romantic).
• I cannot be with someone passive.
• I must be with someone funny.
• I cannot be with someone who hates cats.
• I must be with someone who wants to travel.
• I cannot be with a vegetarian.
• I must be with someone who loves my mama. 
• I cannot be with someone who holds me back.
• I must be with someone who is close to their family.
• I cannot be with someone (highly) disorganized.
• I must be with someone who can articulate their emotions.
• I cannot be with a jealous or overly needy person.
• I must be happy and in love 99% of the time.