Definitions

I have to admit, I get a secret thrill when someone asks me to describe myself. I think most people are intimidated by this request because they feel like talking about themselves in any sort of positive manner makes them conceited or boastful. But, honestly, I think it's incredibly important to be able to recognize the good parts in ourselves. Obviously we should admit and accept our flaws as well, but I think people spend way too much time dwelling on them. I always think of that scene in "Mean Girls" when the girls are pointing out their physical imperfections in the mirror. Sure, I could list off a ton of things I am unhappy with (I hate my feet, my hair takes too much work, I have ugly birthmarks) but I can also list off a ton of things I am happy with (see? Even right now I'm falling prey to the thought of not wanting to list my good qualities, in case I sound conceited. Silly me. I have pretty eyes!) We're getting off topic here though, as what I'm really talking about is non-physical attributes. I can tell you that I'm ambitious and hard-working and driven and loyal and loving and sincere. I can shout these things from the rooftop and I'm not embarrassed. These are GOOD things about me, I SHOULD boast about them. 


Here's where I've gotten a little confused about though...


I boast (or complain) about attributes that really have nothing to do with who I am as a person. Sometimes I hear myself saying "Oh yeah, I'm a total Topper girl," as if this means something. I guess what I'm doing is trying to make myself closer to that side of the family, but when I really think about it I have spent very little time with any of the Toppers so what have they given me except my looks? (We could get into a Nature vs. Nurture discussion here, but I am too hungover for such a thing at present). This ties in to my pet peeve of people saying things like "I have daddy issues, that's why I date all the wrong men." I will admit that I have uttered this statement myself before. Many, many times in fact. It's easy to excuse away our flaws by blaming a traumatic event from our childhood; it's much harder, and I think much more brave, to accept that the traumatic event occurred and then overcome it. Beat the odds, if you will. For example, they say that being sexually abused as a child leads to promiscuity or other sexual problems later in life (just listen to any airing of "Loveline" and you will quickly notice that the first thing Dr. Drew asks any female caller is "Were you sexually abused as a child?"). Sexual abuse, at any age, is horrible and probably the most traumatic thing a girl can go through, BUT I still think that if you are self-aware enough to recognize that something like that is causing you problems later in life, then you are self-aware enough to remedy the situation. I might be alone in this reasoning, and I don't mean to sound insensitive, but it really just seems like people use these sort of things as an excuse to continually mess up. My older brother never had a dad growing up, not even a strong male figure. Starting at age 13 he was in and out of correctional facilities. Up until his son was born in April of 2008, he would constantly use his "daddy issues" as an excuse for his violence, anger, and other various problems. I feel awful that he never had a dad around, and chances are that if he did he wouldn't have gotten in to quite as much trouble, but what really pisses me off is that he used this as a crutch his whole life. Instead of overcoming it and saying "Hey, look how I persevered!" he used it as a Get Out of Jail Free pass (ha! If only that were real in his case). I think having his son made him realize that he had to stop feeling sorry for himself and actually break the cycle of non-existent fathers. 


I had an absent father when I was growing up too, but I never let it define me. I think that is something I am most proud of. I could have been promiscuous, or dated guys who are flakey, or even just resented my father. I just feel like it is much healthier--for me and for everyone around me--to forgive. I'm not saying I'll forget, mind you. I know that I came from hardship, but instead of letting that hardship be a definition in my life, I want it to be a challenge I overcame. Maybe I was predisposed to be a certain way because I didn't have a dad growing up, or because I'm a Topper, or because I grew up in a conservative Christian town...but I am where I am now, and any bad qualities I have are mine to accept blame for. 


I'll end this with my favorite quote/lyric: "Life is how it is, not how it was." It might sound preachy, but we have the power to change ourselves, to be who we want to be. Stop complaining about what happened to you before, and look forward to how you're going to make it different from now on.