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I can't imagine owning a house. I always thought this was because my mom never owned a house, or because I've never had any substantial amount of money. But I just stumbled upon this picture and realized that maybe it's something else: I don't have any idea where my "dream" house would be located. I looked at that picture and immediately thought, "Wow, how great would it be to wake up to that every morning?" But then again, I realize that waking up to that every morning would mean sacrificing the conveniences of city living, such as having everything within walking distance. And there are a ton of other things I love about living in a city: the culture, the events, the opportunities for career and education, the ease of transportation. But I dislike the homeless problem, and the crime, and the noise when I'm trying to sleep. How great would it be to live on a big plot of land and not have to share a wall with someone who listens to techno music?! And going even further: I wonder what it would be like to live in another country. I always thought I'd do that at some point. But as the years go by (and yes, I realize I am only 23), it seems like that won't happen. I'm on this track that is somewhat constricting. I mean, I'm investing all of this money to educate myself and set myself up for a job, but I have to get a job right after school so I can pay all that money back. This doesn't leave much time for trying out living in the country, and in Italy, and in a skyrise apartment in New York City. I have to make the choice, and chances are when I make it, it'll be pretty permanent. True, I don't know where my career and life will take me, but once I start establishing a reputation for myself as an attorney in a certain area, it'll be harder to just pick up and move. And the other issue I think about sometimes is, do I really want to live in a city when I have kids? I know it's a long way off, but it's an inner debate. Part of me thinks that kids would benefit from living in a city for the reasons listed above: culture, events, etc. But then again I think kids benefit way more from open spaces to play and explore in. I guess that's a bridge I'll cross when I get to it. In any case, looking at that picture makes me kind of sad because I realize that I can't have it all. My dream home would probably be something like this: a house on lots of land with a pool as well as a body of water nearby (preferably a lake)...but with neighbors close enough so it doesn't feel so remote...and then of course you only have to walk 2 blocks to get to a major city...did I mention that the city is Rome? Yeah, right.

Who You Know

Lately the thought of staying in at night, researching firms and drinking chamomile tea, sounds way more appealing than going out. I am going to savor this urge because it means that I've (so far) compiled a list of 30 job/networking opportunities, complete with background information about each individual person I want to contact. I'm going to start making phone calls next week, so I predict a rather large phone bill this month. Whatever...the end result (e.g., a job...please?!) will even it out in the end.

Choice

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to live in 2010. Not only do I have DVD rental through the mail, vaccines, and the Internet, but there are certain rights that I was born with and didn't even have to fight for. Seeing the way that gay rights are evolving has made me more aware of the often long and tedious process of acquiring "fundamental" rights. I guess what really got me thinking about this was reading "Roe v. Wade" and re-watching the documentary "Jesus Camp."

It's hard to believe that there was ever a time when I would not have had the right to choose whether to have a baby. I recognize that, setting aside rape, unwanted pregnancies are fairly preventable with responsible birth-control methods, but still--accidents happen. Prior to 1973, when this all-too-frequent accident happened, most states left women with only two options: to either suck it up and go forth with the unwanted pregnancy, or to find a shady back-alley abortion "doctor" to perform the illegal procedure. I don't think I even need to go into detail about why the second option is detrimental to women (remember Penny from "Dirty Dancing"? Thank goodness Baby's father was a doctor!) As for the first option, well, all I can really do is picture myself in that position. The thought terrifies me. Pregnancy is an extremely big deal, both emotionally and physically, and unless you're prepared for it I can imagine it could be traumatizing. But that is just small potatoes compared to the life-changing consequences of actually having the child and caring for it. Even if you put the baby up for adoption, which I think is the admirable choice when you realize you can't give the baby what it needs and deserves, that doesn't change the fact that you became a mother. The emotional and physical undertaking of having a child and either putting it up for adoption or keeping it is just too serious, too permanent, too monumental of a choice to be left to anyone other than the woman.

Apart from the very personal aspects of forced motherhood noted above, there are various other factors, not the least of which is economics, that favor abortion rights. In a nation racked with debt and a bloated, yet crumbling welfare system why would we not encourage women to opt out of pregnancy when they recognize that they cannot adequately care for a child? Most of the women who cannot afford reliable birth control are the ones who need it the most--the women who already have 5 children they can't care for. And someone is going to sit there and say that she has to choose "life" for her unborn baby? What life? A life of poverty? A life where the mother's very little means now have to be divided by 6 instead of 5? Until we fix our debt and welfare system, and unless right wing conservatives plan on paying for these children themselves, it seems to me that people have no right to say that every conception should lead to a birth.

Speaking of "choosing life," my friend Joby said something brilliant earlier today that I'd like to share. She said, "I dislike the label 'pro-life' because it implies that pro-choice means pro-death, which commits a few different fallacies." This labeling is one of the oldest tricks in the extremist handbook though. Another trick? Visual aids. I used to get so sick when the "pro-life" activists would show up on my college campus with huge, blown-up pictures of aborted fetuses. REALLY?! You think that's going to stop me or my classmates from supporting abortion rights? First of all, I'm pretty positive that an abortion procedure with a licensed physician does not resemble a gory horror film set. Second of all, waving those disgusting signs in my face merely pushes me away from your cause and further convinces me that you are an irrational asshole. Maybe try researching some relevant facts and creating signs that a) don't make me want to vomit and b) use logical reasoning and not bible quotes. This visual aid trick was used in "Jesus Camp," as well, a documentary about a subject that I take issue with on so many, many different levels. We'll stick with abortion for now. So this man comes in to do a sermon to children about abortion (children who probably don't even know how a baby is created, let alone the various circumstances in which a baby can be unintentionally created) and he uses these little baby figurines to show what size a baby is during certain times in a pregnancy. Anyone who has seen an ultrasound knows that up until about 10 weeks gestation, a fetus looks more like a lump of play-doh than a cute, cuddly baby. And yet this man is holding up what he says is a 7 week fetus, but what looks more like a full term, anatomically correct infant that has been shrunk down. This is obviously a tactic to play on the emotions of the children--they associate this tiny figurine with an infant in their own life, maybe a sibling or a cousin or a neighbor. It makes it easier for the pastor to drive his point home when he says "1/3 of your friends wish they could be here tonight, but they can't, because they were aborted." I wish I was making that up.

I started on a positive note and got a bit negative, I know. But if there's one thing I can't stand more than anything in the world, it's people blindly advocating a belief system without logical and rational reasoning to back it up. Wait, there is something I can't stand more--it's people who blindly advocate a belief system and then force their children to blindly advocate that belief system as well. They're raising a generation of kids who are not taught to think for themselves. That's so dangerous. And it's most likely why it's been such a long and tedious process to secure certain fundamental rights such as the right for women to choose what to do with our body and future. I can only hope that once-golden boys such as Ted Haggard continue to slip up and chip away at the closed-minded and rigid exterior of the extremely conservative part of our nation until they are forced to recognize what their hypocrisy, judgment, and "morals" are actually doing to other people. I may not be "pro-life," but I'm certainly not "pro-death," I just understand the enormity of pregnancy and motherhood. Until people can come up with better arguments than "A baby is a gift from God" then I just can't take them seriously.

Long Day

I've been having a lot of negative thoughts lately. And it's one of those situations (every situation?) where I can't take my own advice. If this were happening to a friend, I'd tell them to put it into perspective--look to all the good in your life. It's just not working for me right now. Everything feels overwhelming and impossible, which is an especially terrible feeling in law school because I have to be at the top of my game all the time. There is very little room for breaking down...or just taking a break. The only thing I can think of to get through this without it affecting my school work is to avoid thinking about my stresses. It's tricky. It requires a bit of maneuvering. I can feel a bad thought around every corner lately, so I have to be one step ahead--prepared with the next distraction. I've literally been filling the last few days with as many activities as possible (mostly school work, of course), to make sure that I don't have a free moment to think too much. This doesn't sound very healthy, I know. But until I figure out how to remedy the anxiety, it seems to be the only solution that doesn't involve me locking myself in the apartment for the rest of the week and watching the 9 episode of "Unsolved Mysteries" I have taped on my DVR.

That is the most negative I can write without feeling guilty. I'll be back when I have something nice to say.

It All Works Out

I received a request* to write a post about advice I would give my 13-year-old self. I thought it would be easy, and I was very wrong. See, there are tons of things I could say to my 13-year-old self--tons of things I could "warn" my past self about in order to avoid the pain, the embarrassment, the work. But would I really want to do that? Isn't the point of experiencing difficult things to learn from them? So my "advice list" became more of a "reassurance list". We rarely take the advice someone gives us anyway. Most of the time we just want the reassurance to know that what we are doing is right. Once I shifted my focus to write my list in this way, a ridiculous amount of words flowed out. Some words are so intimate that I can't even write them here. It sounds weird, but I started to have a conversation with my 13-year-old self...really just letting her know it would all work out. The words "calm down" were used a lot. Anyone who knew me then knows that I was (am) a bit of a worrier. So here are the few bits that are fit for public eyes...

1. You will have more than one shot at love. Contrary to most movies, TV shows, and books, you don't end up with the first person you date. It's actually pretty rare to stumble upon someone who is "perfect" for you on the first run out of the gate. I'm not saying you should lower your expectations, and I'm definitely not saying you shouldn't give each relationship your all. In fact, I am urging you to do quite the opposite. Let me explain. Remember when you went on that blind date with Joey and he seemed so amazing? And remember how he called you every day after school? And remember how you spent an hour in the card aisle at Rite-Aid finding the perfect card for Valentine's Day? And remember how you had butterflies in your stomach as you and him counted down in unison and then had your first kiss? And remember how you found out he was also kissing another girl at school? That's not how you thought it was supposed to go, right? You found a cool guy, you got along great, you gave it your all, and then it fell apart. But a week later, you felt completely fine...so fine, in fact, that you felt guilty. Don't. You're doing it right, I promise. Don't for a second feel like you have to go back to Joey. He's a jerk. And I'm sorry to break this to you, but there will be other jerks. There will be sweethearts too. You'll go on lots of first dates. You'll have lots of first kisses (you know how much you love the Mill, with the roof missing? You'll have one there). You'll have lots of "our song"s. You'll sneak out. You'll argue until you cry. You'll make up and promise to never fight again. You'll fight again. You'll stay up until 3 am talking about everything and nothing. You'll get giddy just thinking about him. You'll avoid his calls. You'll argue with your mom about him (go easy on her...she's right about more things than you think). You'll share things with him you never thought you'd share with anyone. You'll be jealous of his ex for no rational reason. You'll love him, and sometimes he won't love you back. He'll love you, and sometimes you won't love him back. And finally, you'll break up...there will be a lot of breakups. All the giddiness, excitement, butterflies, and love that come in between the breakups make the breakups themselves worth while. Enjoy this as much as you can and don't put too much pressure on yourself to find "the one." Keep doing what you're doing--keep yourself open to the experience, but when it doesn't work out, let it go. I have 4 journals worth of venting and rejoicing to back me up in saying that it will all work out for you.
2. Drama is highly overrated. I know everyone around you is gossiping and telling secrets and just conducting themselves with a general air of soap opera drama, but trust me, you are better off not involving yourself. Remember when Chelsea started dating Jason (suspiciously) soon after you and him broke up? She apologized (via a letter from him) and you gave her a second chance. However, she spent the whole time talking about how amazing her boyfriend Jason is. When you got up and walked away from her mid-sentence at the lunch table, you made the right choice. When you avoided her next 14 phone calls, you made the right choice. You recognized that she was bad for you, that she was making you feel sad and mad, and you remedied the situation. She tried to make you feel guilty by talking behind your back about how the two of you were supposed to be best friends forever. Don't fall for it. What you did was healthy and right. The less time you spend trying to make the Chelseas of the world happy, the more time you will have to find friends who won't hurt you and fill your life with drama. You are fully entitled to a life surrounded by good people. 
3. Slow down. So, you've got classes, four extracurricular activities, and two regular babysitting jobs. Not to mention you take on so much responsibility at home, what with taking care of Jake, mediating Kari and Ryan's semi-constant fights, and just generally trying to make your mom's life as easy as possible. You are 13, Shawn. You are a kid. There will come a day when you have no choice but to be hard-working, responsible, and mature, because it's part of your job. But for now, I beg of you, just enjoy the sheer simplicity of your life! I know it feels like you already have so much to do--so much expected of you! But think about it, if you missed class today, bailed on your after-school stuff, called in sick to your babysitting job, and just locked yourself in your room to watch cartoons, what's the worst that would happen? You'd disappoint a few people, yes, but life would go on. That's because you are a kid. These are the years when you are supposed to be using your time to play, explore, and relax. You don't need to be using your time to act like an adult. That will come soon enough. I know you're embarrassed to admit to anyone that you still play with Barbies. You sneak over to the Camerons some afternoons to play with Taylor and her incredible collection. Your best friend Kayla has already let her boyfriend touch her boobs, and here you are still playing with dolls. It's okay...there is no rush. Play Barbies with Taylor for 3 hours. Then jump on the trampoline until you can barely breathe. And then listen to Britney Spears in the tree house. This is not only normal, but it's fun, isn't it? I don't want to give away the ending, but if Kayla had been playing with dolls and not letting boys play with her boobs, she might be in a better place right now. 

*Mig, sorry I didn't write this sooner. I have a difficult time sitting down and thinking/writing about something other than law for more than 20 minutes. Hopefully this helps for the next time you see Cassidy.

A Lot Can Change

I just found this picture on my old Myspace blog. Yes, I still have a Myspace. It is less a sign of failing to keep-up-with-the-times and more a testament to how sentimental I am. Anyway, this picture! It seems like just some trees and sun glare, right? When I took this photo, I was 18 years old, visiting San Francisco for maybe the third time ever. My friend Joel and I had some time to kill before the Halloween celebration in the Castro, so we randomly chose a BART stop to get off at. I thought this area was beautiful, so we sat down. Next month, it will be 4 years exactly since that day. Little did I know I'd be living 3 minutes from there. I'd be shopping at a Farmer's Market across the street. I'd be doing yoga in this very spot. I'd be running through here drunkenly after a happy hour. I'd be seeing Backstreet Boys perform in front of City Hall (speaking of that, I had no idea that was City Hall at the time I took this picture!) I really never imagined I'd live somewhere this incredible. Sure, it's cold most of the time, my neighborhood usually smells like urine, and I often wonder if those people on the sidewalk are dead or just sleeping...but still, it's wonderful! There's culture and good food and awesome bars and easy transportation and beautiful parks and courthouses and museums and the bay and music and a long-standing tradition of open-mindedness, love, and creativity. I feel so lucky that I'm able to call it my city. And I hope I can for a very, very long time. 

Adoption

It's kind of weird to think that my little sister's birth mom and adopted mom are friends on Facebook. You used to have to go through loads of paperwork and investigation to find your birth mother...now, all Cassie has to do is look through her mom's friends list for someone who looks like her.